Loss
by LuckyStarPham
Summary: "But you went away How dare you? I miss you They say I'll be OK But I'm not going to ever get over you" How does Joe White's death change Steve's life? Mahalo for reading!
1. Chapter 1

**_Hello!_**

 ** _It has been a really sad day for me. Joe White is (was) such a special character in my heart. I don't know why I love this character so much (and Doris), but I do. I will be truly furious if one day, they kill off Doris, too. It's so weird considering the fact that none of these two characters showed up that much on the show. There was so much depth in these characters for me to discover, maybe that's why I love them both. So much._**

 ** _So Joe's death really took a toll on me. Here I am, writing a story 7 hours after this episode was aired (I haven't even been able to download the ep yet, and the stream live link earlier was not too stable, so I missed a lot of parts in this ep, but I hope I capture the most important vibe). Earlier this afternoon, I typed exactly 2 lines in half an hour, doing nothing else. Just couldn't think. Can't believe I actually finished 5 pages now._**

 ** _Too excited to post, so I post without sending this to Paula for proof-reading. Sorry if there are English mistakes. I should have polished this more._**

 ** _Please leave a review. Just tell me you love(d) Joe White, too, as much as I do (did). It's so sad using past tense when it comes to Joe._**

 ** _Mahalo for reading!_**

* * *

 **LOSS**

Steve held Joe in his arms, held him tight. He didn't know how long time has passed by since Joe's last breath. All he could feel was the dull ache in his heart.

Reality hit him hard when Joe's body gradually became colder and colder. His body became a lot more rigid than before.

Nine years being out of the service, Steve became unfamiliar with this feeling. Losing someone during battle. Back in the day, it was very rare that they walked out of a mission with the whole team. There was always someone who was willing to sacrifice their lives to complete the mission. It was never easy to deal with the aftermath, but at least he sort of expected the loss. At least he had mentally prepared.

But today?

Steve lost two people. Cole, a brother-in-arms, someone who has survived so many missions together with him when they were both active.

And Joe White.

He lost Joe.

More than just a mentor, more than just an uncle. He was someone who has always been a second father to him.

Before this mission, Steve never thought that would be the last time he saw Joe. He tried to wrap his head around the current situation but couldn't really focus. A flash of memory sprung up to his mind – since the first time he called Joe "Uncle Joe", to the moment Joe took him to the mainland with him, changed the course of his life forever, to when he came back to his life again, lying to him, yet trying to protect him from all the "Shelbourne" stuff. There were so many times Steve had wished he could hate Joe for not telling him everything about his mom from the get-going, but the truth was, he could never truly hate him. After all, Joe was always the one Steve could count on during the hour of needs. Joe had saved his ass more times than he would like to remember.

After his life was ripped apart when he was 15, for a really long time, Steve had believed there was not anyone else who looked out for him, besides Joe White.

That changed the day Freddie, and then Catherine, stepped into his life.

And then, Steve realized in bitter, none of them actually stayed that long. Freddie left him – actually, it was him who left Freddie behind, for that matter, and Catherine stepped out of his life, more than just once. And now it's Joe's turn.

He lost everyone important in his life.

Finally, the 40-year-old version of Steve kicked in and realized this place was not safe enough to stay that long, and it was getting darker and darker. He tried to get himself together, wiped away all the trace of dried tears on his face. He was definitely not planning on leaving Joe's body behind.

Steve observed the unfamiliar surrounding area, trying to work up a plan, but none came to his mind, unfortunately. His instinct told him to keep going, so he helped Joe's body back on the horse, couldn't help thinking about the first time Joe took him out to teach him how to ride a horse. Joe loved horse riding. Every time he called Joe in the past, he could hear the sound from his horse. Joe always said a man should know how to ride a horse, and he always talked about how much he loved the feeling when he was on the back of the horse.

He released the other horse and guided it to run towards the opposite direction, and continued riding his horse for another five miles until he spotted a cave behind the trees. It was probably the perfect place to stay overnight while waiting for help.

The weather at night here was definitely a lot colder than the weather in Hawaii that he was used to, so Steve lighted up a fire after placing Joe to lie on the ground. He put his jacket on top of Joe. Even when he was fully aware of the fact that Joe has already passed away, he still wanted to keep him warm, even for just several hours. It didn't really make sense, but Steve felt like it was his responsibility to take great care of Joe's body. He kept his left hand on top of Joe's chest, secretly hoping that miracle could happen, and Joe could wake up anytime.

"Sleep well, Joe", he whispered, "I'm gonna get you home."

Steve took out his satellite phone, he was about to contact Five-0 but changed his mind. He pressed a series of number and waited for several seconds. She had given him her new number to contact her in the emergency the last time they caught up. He hated to admit to himself that it didn't take long for him to memorise her number after she gave it to him. He had tried to erase everything about her from his mind, and his heart, but if he was being honest to himself, he gotta admit it didn't work that way.

"Hello?"

Her voice always managed to cheer him up, under any circumstance. He didn't realize how much he had missed her voice until he actually heard it now. It instantly brought a smile into his face.

"Hey Cath."

Several seconds of complete silence. He could tell that she did not expect to hear his voice at all. He could hear the change in her breathing pattern.

"Hey Steve, what's wrong?"

Just one question from her and Steve totally broke down. It was the feeling when a person was so used to bottling up their emotions, yet the moment someone close to them shows concern and that person just completely lost it.

He started sniffing and could barely utter a word. He could never hide his vulnerable side in front of her. Even after what they had been through, she was still the only one person he could talk to about anything. Just like when she asked one question about Doris and Yao Fat, and he ended up telling her the whole story, yet had been keeping it close to his chest for so long when she wasn't there. He trusted his Five-0 team, but never felt that he could share details with them about his personal life.

His voice was hoarse, "It's Joe, Cath", he kept clearing his throat several times, trying desperately to say something, but nothing else came out.

All Catherine could hear was Steve's sniffing uncontrollably. Just like when he called her after getting back from North Korea. He lost two people in one day that day. She was afraid for Steve, her heart was broken into pieces for him, hearing the pain in his trembling voice.

"What happened?", Catherine rubbed her eyes, clutching her phone in her hands. She wasn't sure if she wanted to hear what actually happened.

"Joe couldn't make it. I...", he choked, didn't really know what else to say.

"I'm so sorry, Steve", the genuine concern in her voice traveled to his ears, made it a little easier for him to breathe. There was nothing she wanted more at that moment to be next to him, supporting him, protecting him, although she wasn't too sure if she still had the right to do such a thing. She looked up at the ceiling in her room, trying to blink the tears away. Random memories about Joe White flooded back to her. She remembered the knowing look Joe gave her whenever he saw her and Steve in the Academy in the early years. She was almost afraid that the old wise man could read her through and could see her feelings for Steve. She smiled through the tears in her eyes, thinking about the time when Steve had told her how Joe White thought of her, how much Joe encouraged Steve to ask her out.

"Steve", Catherine wanted to ask if Steve's okay, but she kicked herself for almost saying that out loud. Of course, he wasn't okay. Of all people, she knew how much Joe meant to Steve. So all she could say was his name.

"Can I ask for a favor?"

"Anything, Steve. You know that."

"Is the line secured? Are you in the States?"

"Yes, the line is secured. And yes, I'm currently in the mainland. Just wrapped up a mission and got back yesterday. I'm waiting for orders. Where are you? Are you safe?"

"Yes, I think so, for now. But they are out there looking for us. Can you come to get us?"

"Text me the coordination. I will be there as soon as I can."

"Thank you, Cath", his heart clenched at Catherine's answer. There was no hint of hesitation in her voice. Deep down inside, he knew she would do anything for him, but he was still afraid things changed now.

"Steve, I'm so sorry", she didn't know what else she could say to possibly make him feel better. She was grateful that he called her asking for help. "Hang in there."

Steve got off the phone with Catherine and texted their location to her. Her reply reached him within seconds, telling him her ETA and a simple "Be careful, Steve".

Catherine disconnected the call and immediately started calling people. She needed a helicopter, and someone to watch out for her when she got to Steve and Joe. She called Doris first, informing her of the sad news. Knowing the friendship between Doris and Joe, she knew for a fact that she would get some help from Doris.

There was only one single thought in Catherine's mind after getting off the phone with Doris – she had to get to Steve as soon as possible. Wiping out the tears in the corner of her eyes, Catherine couldn't even dare to start thinking about how Steve would cope with this.

Steve looked back, eyes glued at Joe's body. He realized he didn't know who else to call to break the news. Joe didn't have a family left, he got married three times but always got divorced afterward. Joe had always said that relationships didn't work out well for him, but he never stopped believing in love. Joe's only regret in life was he never had any child, Steve was the closest thing to a son to him. Joe had made a promise, to both Steve's parents, to keep an eye on Steve, but he did so much more than that. He was there for Steve, guiding him through difficulty in life, making Steve the man he became now.

Steve reached Joe's pocket and pulled out the picture of Joe and a younger woman. He smiled, Joe was always the kind of man who never gave up on anything, including love. It killed him to think about the scenario where he would have to tell this woman the bad news about Joe. That would be the first thing he's gonna do after getting Joe home.

Steve closed his eyes, feeling the tears were coming again. It was comforting somehow that he got to spend Joe's last day with him, fighting next to him, just like the old times. He never had the chance to be with his dad, even just for one day, before his dad was killed almost ten years ago.

"Joe, I'm sorry I never told you this, but I love you. So much. I wish you could hear it now."

The truth was Joe was there for him a lot longer than his dad was. It wasn't John's fault, he didn't try to blame his dad. As he grew older, he knew his dad checked up on him through Joe. But still, his dad was in his life for only 15 years, but Joe was there throughout his whole Navy career, looking out for him as a cool uncle, training him as an extremely tough mentor, keeping tabs of every single achievement he got in the Navy, saving his ass whenever he needed help – without asking anything back. Joe attended his graduation ceremony from Naval Academy when his dad couldn't make it, he took him out to the pub on his 21st birthday, teaching him how to drink and swear like a sailor. Even though there were some low points in their relationship, Steve still could never stop feeling grateful for Joe.

"You son of a bitch, how dare you leave me? What am I supposed to do from now on, huh, Joe?"

The cold wind snuck into the cave, gave Steve a shiver. He leaned over to tuck the jacket higher on Joe's body. He couldn't feel anything other than the ache in his heart, seeing Joe's face slowly turn pale.

He leaned against the cave behind him, thinking back about what Joe was trying to say the moment he drew his last breath, " _Work things out with Catherine. She's the one. I know she is. And forgive your mother, she loves you_ ".

Joe had spent his last breath, trying to look out for him. Still.

* * *

P.S: OMG I'm still so, so sad. The saddest death on the show. Seriously!

Also, I haven't actually thought about another chapter, depending on you guys' reactions, I guess. Happy reading :)


	2. Chapter 2

**Good morning,**

 **Thank you for all the comments, feedbacks and PMs. I've never received so many reviews on one chapter like this one before. Great timing, I guess! But I really can't say thank you enough. Sorry for the delayed upload! This one is pretty short but I want to save the whole conversation between Steve & Cath for one chapter. I just finished writing chapter 3 last night in a very emotional state – so it will take some more time to edit and polish. But hope I can upload it before the ep is aired.**

 **Thank you, Paula, for always being so sweet and helping me out! You rock!**

 **Mahalo for reading!**

 ** _P.S: Also, I want to reply to some guest reviews, but I can't reply because you comment as a guest. I would really appreciate it if you can PM me._**

 **Anyway, enjoy reading!**

* * *

 **Chapter 2:**

Five hours later.

Steve stayed guard the whole night, it seemed like nobody had followed them to this place. Five hours felt like a lifetime to him.

Following Steve's text, Catherine easily found their location. She arrived in a helicopter, along with Doris and Simon – her partner in CIA. If anything good came from her days with the CIA, she had to admit it was her friendship with Simon Hills. He was pretty much like a brother to her, a partner she could rely on anytime, any day. They flew around the area several times to observe the surrounding area, making sure there was no hostiles, before finally landing nearby where Steve and Joe were staying.

Simon stayed in the helicopter, with his big machine gun ready, just in case, while Doris and Catherine rushed out of the helicopter to find Steve sitting next to Joe's body in the cave he had described.

Catherine called out Steve's name repeatedly, but he didn't react until the third time. He looked at her, all she could see in that moment was the darkness in his eyes. Seeing him in this state made her heart clench; she was afraid for him.

Doris rushed to Joe's body, kneeling down next to him, hugging him for the last time. Tears streamed down her face quickly. She had never ever seen him look that pale before, she always saw Joe laughing, telling dirty jokes over the phone, grinning with weapons in his hands. Joe White was John's best friend – her husband's friend, but over the years, he had become someone she trusted with her life.

She had known very early on, that Joe White was truly a member of her family. Joe and John had fought together, side by side, in the Vietnam War. Joe always said that John had saved his ass more than he would like to remember, so he would do anything to look out for the McGarrett family for the rest of his life. Doris came to Joe after faking her death, coming clean and asking for his help. He was surprised at first when she showed up, angry for John, but after Doris revealed her role in the CIA and the reason why she did what she did, he promised her that he would take great care of her family, making sure Steve would become a good man. And the truth was, he did so much more than that. They kept in touch over the years. Being with him, Doris never had to be afraid of being judged. Joe was the only one who seemed to always understand her decisions, every single one, and he never turned his back on her.

Seeing Doris hugging Joe's body, which already turned completely rigid, Steve thought back to the last thing Joe said to him. He looked back at Catherine, who was trying her best to control her own emotions, and not really doing a great job of it.

It took him one second to stand up and stride over to stand in front of her.

It took him another second to pull her close to him.

It took him a couple more seconds to look at her, with his full attention, drinking in the beauty in front of his very eyes. The beauty that he would never have seen again if something had gone south yesterday.

Before he realized it, his lips were drawn to hers.

It took Catherine completely by surprise, but her hands immediately crawled to his back, gripping at his jacket. Before landing, the only thing she was grateful for was that Steve still trusted her enough to call her to ask for her help. Just an hour ago – on her way coming to the rescue, she was not even sure how she could comfort him after this tragedy. His hug was so strong that it felt like it was crushing her, but Catherine didn't care, she was grateful to be in his arms. She clung to Steve like dear life, just like his body crashed into hers, seeking comfort.

It killed her inside to hear Steve's trembling voice and feel the coldness of his tears on her shoulder.

"It was my fault, Catherine."

"Stop it, Steve, please. What happened is not on you", Catherine parted her lips from his, trying her best to calm him down, her hands touching both sides of his face to make sure his attention was on her.

"It was my plan. **My plan** , Cath. I dragged them into this. He would still be alive if he didn't come with me. I lost Cole, and I lost Joe. He gave up, he didn't even let me fight for him. That son of a bitch called off the medic. I couldn't save him, I couldn't even call for help... it was too late. Catherine, I should have known he called off the medic. Catherine. Catherine."

He kept calling her name, the sound of her name somehow eased the pain, knowing that she's right next to him. Catherine didn't know what she could possibly say to him without knowing the entire story first, so she just held onto him, as if her hug could shield him from all the guilt.

"I wasn't thinking. I was too confident with my plan. And I let Cole, and Joe pay the price. It should be me who lies there now", he came up with his plan in an hour, and he didn't take into account the fact that Omar Hassan had spent at least several years working on his plan. He should have known better, but revenge somehow blinded him.

When Steve looked up, Doris was already standing next to them. She looked older than the last time he saw her over two years ago. Her eyes were red and swollen, he could still see the trace of dried tears on her worried face.

"Steve", she looked like she wasn't sure what she should do, whether to hug him or just let him take his time to process the loss.

Without any hesitation, Steve pulled back from Catherine, still keeping her close, he stepped one step towards Doris and embraced her in his strong arms. For a moment, seeing her face took him back to that day – 25 years ago, when he thought he had lost her, forever. The fear, the pain, the shock a 15-year-old teenager went through was no different than what he was feeling right this moment, when he was still processing the fact that Joe has passed away.

The only difference was: Doris was still alive. He still had a second chance with his mother. He never really appreciated this second chance with her until now, when he realized he would never have any chance to tell Joe how much he truly loved him.

"Mom?", Steve looked right into Doris's eyes, his voice sounded so much like when he was younger – the adorable son who followed her everywhere in the house.

"Yes, son?"

"Do you still love me? And Mary?", that question wasn't something Doris was expecting under the circumstances.

"More than anything else in this world. You might not believe that, but..."

"If you love us, then come home to us when this is over. We have to hunt down that son of a bitch, yes, but I'm asking you: Come home, please?", it could have been himself who died yesterday, and he realized that apart from his co-workers, he didn't have any real family left, and he was tired of living alone, feeling abandoned, "Or whenever you go, I will follow. If we die, at least we die together. But if I live, I want my mother back. I am done being left behind."

Catherine stepped back, getting even more emotional watching Doris nod and hug Steve. She was truly happy for both of them.

"I promise you, I won't leave this time. I'm done with the CIA."

Doris looked at Catherine over Steve's shoulder, just to see Catherine turn to gaze down at the ground, probably feeling a little bit left out. She smiled, got out of her son's hug and asked him, "Will you ask Catherine to come home, too?"

Yes, she was never shy teasing her son and his favourite girl.

Steve turned to Catherine, his hand reaching for hers, squeezing her hand, when a male voice coming out from Catherine's radio: "Really sorry to interrupt, but I really think we gotta go."

"Roger that. On our way", Catherine talked to the man on the other end.

"Who's that?", Steve asked.

"Our pilot. My CIA partner", Catherine looked at Steve, couldn't help being mad at Simon a little bit – secretly – for ruining the moment, "I brought help."

Catherine was about to rush to Joe's body where Doris was killing the fire that was keeping his body warm, when Steve gently tugged her arm, "Catherine, we will talk. I promise. I have something important to ask."

Five minutes later.

They were all inside the helicopter, the pilot took off in no time.

"Are we heading to Hawaii?", Simon asked after everyone was settled in their seat.

"No, I can't come back to Hawaii. Not yet. Not until I hunt down Omar Hassan."

"Omar Hassan?", Catherine looked at Steve, worried.

"Go somewhere safe, somewhere close here. I want to arrange a proper funeral for Joe. This is his home. Joe loved it here."

"Whatever you say, buddy."

"Can we go back to the ranch first?"

"It's still not safe for you to go back, but we arranged for some help. We got Cole's body and counted five other bodies. Wade is bringing Cole's body somewhere safe, waiting for your instruction", Doris turned back from her seat in the front, giving Steve some assurance.

"Mom, you got Wade? I thought he's retired."

"I can only say he doesn't like sitting around doing nothing", Doris smiled, shaking her head, "Also, if Joe and any SEAL team is involved, that old man volunteers before I even ask him". In fact, Wade got wind of Joe's mission even before Doris called him to break the news. He was already trying desperately to reach Joe but no luck.

"Thank you, mom", he said sincerely, and turned to Cath, mouthing "Thank you".

He looked down at Joe, squeezing his shoulder, whispering, "Let's go home, Joe. We've got this, you can rest now!"

He couldn't help but think back to the last time he went on a classified mission to rescue Joe. They almost died that day but got through it together. Fighting next to Joe was one of the most honourable things Steve had done in his life. When he visited Joe in the hospital, Steve admitted that thanks to Joe, he not only finally worked up the courage to ask Catherine out on a date, but also called his dad for the first time in years, and even flew home during a weekend to see him. They went out fishing and had a drinking night together. He didn't know how much it meant to him until his father died. That was the last real memory Steve had of his dad.

This time, he would listen to Joe, too. Forgiving his mother. Asking her to come home.

And fixing what he had broken with the only woman he ever truly loved.

But before that, he needed to hunt down the bastard who killed his whole SEAL team, and the father figure in his life.

Until then, he's not going to rest.

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 **Good bye for now! Mahalo!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello!**

 **Thank you for all your reviews! I finished this chapter earlier this week and it's a lot longer than I expected, so I had to split this into 2 chapters. Chapter 4 is ready to be uploaded. Still one more week before we finally get to see S09E11.**

 **I had fun waiting for this ep. Imagination runs wild. I rewatched 910 multiple times and still felt incredibly sad every single time. I really, really love the interaction among Steve/Joe/Cole. No argument, no insulting, just friendly batter, full of respect. I love it. Wish Cole could live a bit longer though.**

 **I also rewatched 421 and it seems to me that these two Omar Hassan are not the same. But when I planned out the plot for my story, it would make a lot more sense if they are the same person (Also, thanks Kimphin on Twitter for the realization – I wonder if it's a simple coincidence or there will be an explanation next episode).**

 **Enough for my rant. Thanks for your time and I really hope you will take some time to leave some reviews! It would make my day!**

* * *

 **Chapter 3:**

A safe cabin in Montana

Wade was able to get all of them to a secure cabin, not too far away from Joe's ranch. It had been an emotional day for all of them, losing a dear friend, a strong mentor, a loyal brother. They sent Cole's body to his family, and had just come back from Joe's proper, yet simple funeral.

"Steve, maybe you should get some sleep", sitting down next to Steve, Catherine handed him a cup of green tea, trying to convince him, "You've been through a lot. When was the last time you had some sleep?"

Taking the cup from Catherine, Steve took a big gulf, felt disappointed when he realized it wasn't a cup of coffee, "Every time I try to close my eyes, all I can see is my SEAL team and my last moment with Joe. I just can't sleep."

He put the picture of Joe and a younger woman in his other hand down on the side table next to his bed. Catherine caught a brief glimpse of the picture, her face saddened almost immediately, realizing what it meant for this woman.

"Did you call her? How did she take the news?"

"Just got off the phone with her. Turns out she didn't really know about Joe's past. Believe it or not, she thought he's a professional swimmer or something. A "handsome, funny, romantic guy", her direct quote", Steve emphasised, finally letting out a laugh, "That guy is, _was_ , still so smooth", Steve quickly changed the tense, still wasn't used to using past tense when talking about Joe White.

"I hope she's going to be okay."

"She will be. She was surprised at first when I called, but it seemed like she already moved on. When Joe suddenly disappeared last year without any contact, she thought he lost interest and bailed, and she realized they didn't have any mutual friends, she didn't know anything about Joe, so she tried to find him for a while but gave up eventually", Steve filled Catherine in about the reason that Joe disappeared, and rescuing Joe from the prison where Joe had been held for almost a year. "I mean, it's understandable, right? It's hard to be left behind, not knowing what's going on. She can't just... wait", Steve defended the woman he hardly knew.

Been there, done that.

"Yeah, I understand", Catherine nodded her head, subconsciously avoided eye contact with Steve. A sudden sadness and fear gripped her, sometimes she couldn't help but wonder – what if something bad happened to her while she's on a CIA mission? Who is she in his life? Would her people call Steve to break the news if she couldn't make it?

"Hey, you okay? I'm sorry", Steve's sorry came out of nowhere, but both of them knew what his sorry was about. About moving on, about dating other women. Dating Lynn.

Catherine was genuinely happy for him, but the truth was it also crushed her, knowing he **could** be happy without her.

Though this certainly wasn't the best time to discuss their personal stuff, they had something more important ahead of them. Catherine got back to business, "I'm fine. What's now? Where do we start?", she asked, and quickly added, "I've got your back, okay? Whatever you have in your mind, no matter how crazy it is, I'm in."

Steve was deeply touched when he saw the determination in Catherine's eyes. She took this mission personally, just like when he told her almost six years ago, that he would act on his own to bring Freddie home, without waiting for the Navy's approval. They both knew that it would be the end of her Navy career if both of them got caught in North Korea, but nothing could change Catherine's mind. Not back then. Definitely not now.

She would do anything for him, to protect him, or the people he loved. Freddie, Doris, Kono, Chin, and now Joe.

Tears blurred his vision; how could he ever doubt her?

"I made some calls. They will be arriving first thing tomorrow morning."

"Good. But right now, get some sleep", her voice sounded a bit more assertive, like an order, "Just two hours. At least try. You look tired", Catherine reached out, gently touched the wrinkles on Steve's forehead.

Steve smiled, feeling incredibly grateful that she was right next to him, when he needed her the most. He wanted to say, "Thank you", but couldn't utter a single word, as if he was afraid that a simple "Thank you" wouldn't be powerful enough to express how much her presence at this moment meant to him. No words would be enough. Actions always spoke louder than words, so Steve brought her hand to his lip, savouring the moment for a little while.

He whispered, after what it felt like an eternity, "Thank you for being here! I can't imagine how I can deal with all this without you."

"There's no other place I would rather be", she flashed him a cheerful smile, shushed him by leaning forward, pressing her lips into his for a lingering kiss.

It felt like time stopped in that kiss. She wasn't sure if the saltiness in their kiss was from her tears or his, but she enjoyed the butterflies in her stomach very much. Still after all these years.

For a moment, it took Steve back to their first kiss. In the hospital. After he came back from the classified mission with Joe and his team – where he came so close to death.

 _Catherine rushed through the hospital hall. When Joe White called, her whole body was almost paralysed with fear, thinking that Steve came so close to not be able to make it. There were so many things she hadn't said. Hadn't done. To him. With him._

 _She rushed into the room, finally able to take the breath she didn't even realize she was holding. He was leaning against the headboard, looking tired, bruises all over his face, yet the moment his soulful eyes fixed on her, he flashed her the most goofy grin, the most beautiful smile she had ever seen._

 _For the first time in her life, she decided to just follow her heart._

 _The next thing she knew, her lips were pressed on his lips. It took him by surprise, but he returned her tender kiss with passion. They deepened the kiss, no words were needed, that kiss conveyed all of the emotions they had been holding back since the moment they met._

 _He had wanted to kiss her for a really long time, but was afraid to ruin their friendship, which meant too much for him to lose. It was the best feeling in the world, he could still remember the taste of her lips on his mouth. The best kiss is the one that has been exchanged a thousand times between the eyes before it reaches the lips. Steve finally understood, his body trembling with happiness and joy._

 _Joe White was right. The feelings were mutual. Indeed._

 _When their lips parted, Steve finally worked up the courage to officially ask Catherine out on a date. A part of him was afraid she would say no if he ever asked, but in that moment, Steve felt like there was nothing in the world that could defeat him. Her kisses said it all. They both knew there was no going back, neither of them felt any regret._

" _Don't you need to be at work right now?"_

" _Right now, there's no other place I'd rather be."_

Feeling the slight grimace on his face, Catherine pulled back, feeling embarrassed for getting carried away with the moment. Yes, he kissed her earlier, but she shouldn't have read too much into it.

"No, it's not like that, don't stop", Steve quickly responded seeing Catherine pull back, divert her eyes to the floor, clearly feeling uncomfortable, probably misinterpreting his reaction. He slowly took off his jacket, rolled up his sleeve, showing her the bleeding wound on his arm. He almost forgot about it, the constant pain in his body had become the least of his problems.

"Oh no, you're bleeding. Why didn't you tell me earlier?", Catherine immediately went to get her medical kit and came back within seconds. He thought about pretending like it was nothing, but decided it wouldn't work on her anyway, so he let her take care of his wound.

Deep down inside, he wanted to have just a moment with her. To be vulnerable for a second. Mentally, and physically.

While Catherine took care of his wound, Steve started telling her everything that happened since yesterday morning, when he came back from his daily swim, just to be attacked by an assassin. Chin wrapped his wounds for him, and he hadn't thought about the wound or the bandage since.

"Did you call Five-0?"

"I texted Chin about Joe. Telling him to tell the team that I'm not coming back. I called the Governor as well."

"Steve, you can be honest with me. Really, why didn't you want to come back to Hawaii?"

"I can't. If Omar wants me dead, he won't give up until I'm dead. I'm not going back until I find that bastard. And I can't let Five-0 get involved, either. It's too dangerous, it's Omar Hasson we're talking about."

Silence fell over them. Catherine squeezed Steve's hand, encouraging him to continue.

"You know what, I don't expect this mission to be an easy one. It took the Naval Intelligence Department five years to get a solid lead on him, yet he still played us, by faking his death, and now he's killed a whole ex-SEAL team. I was just lucky to be alive. If I took Cole's position, I probably would be dead by now. Of all people, you know how dangerous Omar Hassan is, I can't just ask Chin and Kono to come. They belong in Hawaii. The island needs them. Danny and Gabby are happy together, and I don't want to ruin that for them."

"Are you thinking of...", Catherine instantly read Steve's mind.

"Almost nine years ago, when I first came back to Hawaii, I didn't intend to stay. I thought I'd just go back for my dad's funeral", he remembered the mixed feelings the day he went back home when his dad was killed as if it were yesterday. To other people, Hawaii could be paradise with breathtaking, stunning scenery, but to him, the island just reminded him of a family that he didn't have – a mother that he lost, a father that sent him away as if he were a parcel. It was Colorado and San Diego that gave him a sense of belonging, it was the Navy that kept him grounded. The Navy was his family. "I never thought I would have my own task force, I had no intention of leaving active duty back then, I just thought I'd go back and do what I had to do". Navy was his life, his purpose, being a Navy SEAL was his passion, but he abandoned all that to chase after the man who murdered his father, without knowing what the next chapter of his life would turn out to be.

"But I stayed, to hunt down Victor Hesse, and then found out about Wo Fat, and Shelbourne. It took me five years, Catherine, to finally kill Wo Fat, to close that chapter of my life. Who knows how long it's gonna take this time? Omar had been on the radar of everyone, CIA, FIB, the Navy, the Army, both official and classified black ops. Five-0 doesn't have the access to that kind of information, what they found was Omar being a normal businessman, with no association with any terrorists. It's very unlikely that I could chase after Omar using Five-0's resource."

"But it will hurt them if they find out you will not be returning anytime soon."

"They are really good people, I just don't think they are the right people for this mission. It's too dangerous. I won't drag Five-0 into this. I didn't drag any Navy buddies to Hawaii when I started this task force, I knew it wasn't their thing. It's no difference now", Steve elaborated, "Besides, I need someone who doesn't question my every move, who respects my strategy, who accepts my leadership, who can handle pressure well, Danny clearly doesn't fit the bill here", he tried to make a joke.

Even though there was some truth in what he said, Catherine could feel how torn Steve was about his decision.

She nodded, stating that she understood. There was a momentary silence between them, until Steve heard his voice again, cracking with emotions.

"When these assassins approached the other three members of my SEAL team, they killed their whole family, whoever was at the scene with them. These professionals work under individual contracts, so they will keep coming. Returning to work means I put my whole team in danger. The only way to stop this is to be on the run for a while, keeping a low profile, secretly chasing Omar down, while leaving no trace behind."

"You are running away, Steve", Catherine wasn't afraid of saying it out loud, "Don't let the guilt get to you."

Steve turned to look at Catherine, wasn't surprised at all that she could **always** read his mind.

"I tried not to, but...", Steve struggled to form sentences. He stood up and went to open the window. He needed some fresh air, the cold wind helped him clear his mind a bit. He looked into the darkness and looked up at the starry night. Montana truly has a breathtaking night sky.

All sort of flashbacks flooded Steve's mind, almost drowning him.

The guilt was eating him up.

The guilt he had been living with since the moment he heard Victor murder his dad in cold blood over the phone, while he was halfway around the world. Because he wasn't good enough. He should have known.

The guilt he had been living with since the moment he left Freddie behind, watched Cole die, and heard Joe call off the medevac.

Catherine moved closer to him, hugging him from behind, her face pressing into his shoulder. The comfort of her warm, tight, gentle embrace melted his heart, reminding him that she's here now.

"What happened is not on you."

That was something they kept telling each other over the years. It worked sometimes, but the guilt always managed to come back, torturing them, sooner or later.

"I was chosen for a classified mission. Joe was trying to get me promoted to Commander back then", Steve was still a Lieutenant Commander before he left the Navy, "he said I could pick anyone with me, and I chose the best soldier I know", Steve revisited the past. Everything happened that week was still fresh in his mind, because it totally changed the course of his life.

"Freddie", Catherine confirmed. Freddie was Steve's best friend, and he was quick to become one of her friends, too. She always felt so grateful to know Freddie was always there for Steve, when she couldn't be.

"Yeah. If I didn't pick him to go with me, Kelly would still have a husband. Emma would have the chance to see how stupid her dad is. If I had known about the pregnancy, I never would've chosen Freddie for that mission. I am the reason Emma will never know her father, Catherine", Steve whispered, he never revealed this to anyone else. The guilt was the reason he couldn't face Kelly and Emma, he only started visiting them after he brought Freddie's body back home, six years ago. He understood more than anyone else how hard it would be to grow up without a parent. He wouldn't make the same mistake with Danny. Grace and her little brother needed their father.

"And it was my plan to leak the information to Greer that Joe was still alive. It was reckless and risky. But Joe insisted on coming and so did Cole. They were the ones who died. I'm the one who came up with the plan – me. And I'm the only one that is still alive and kicking. Tell me, Catherine, why am I the only one who survived, while everyone else sacrificed their life?", Steve turned around, his hands squeezed Catherine's arms. She was pretty sure his squeeze would leave some serious marks. She wasn't afraid he would hurt her. He wouldn't, especially physically.

She was afraid _for him_.

The survivor's guilt was attacking Steve, full force.

It was the first time in years Steve actually shared his most vulnerable thoughts. He occasionally went to PTSD sessions with Lou in the past, but he stopped confiding in Lou after Lou tried to trash talk Catherine, and pushed him to go out with Lynn, even called Lynn "weekend booty". Steve realized that he didn't want to let himself sink to that level. So for the past few years, he and Lou only saw each other for work, if the case required SWAT team's support. He let Chin deal with Lou most of the time.

Telling Catherine didn't exactly make the guilt go away, but at least she understood and being able to talk to her took some of the weight off his chest.

"Because you're worth the sacrifice", Catherine patted his back, her touch felt incredibly soothing. Her head gently pressed against his heart.

"Am I? The way I see it, my life is doomed. Everyone important in my life eventually leaves me. It's like I'm not worthy of being loved."

"Steve, stop saying that."

It killed her inside to witness the excruciating pain written on his face. Catherine leaned in to steal another kiss, her only desire at that moment was to comfort him, to prove that he was wrong. The past two days really took a toll on Steve's face. His beard had grown incredibly fast in such a short amount of time.

"So... Is that why you don't want Danny and Five-0 on board this time? Because of Gabby and Grace, and Danny's little guy?", Catherine carefully approached the question.

She could feel Steve gently nod on top of her head, could hear his soft sniff.

"You were trying to protect them", Catherine simply concluded, as if she truly understood the feeling. There was a touch of sadness in her voice that made Steve's heart clench.

Realisation dawned on him.

Hit him hard.

Things were never been more obvious than that moment.

"Was it what you were trying to do the whole time, Cath? The guilt, you running away, trying to protect... me?"

* * *

How do you imagine the next episode? Share your thoughts with me!

Next chapter will be uploaded later!


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4:**

Realisation dawned on him.

Hit him hard.

Things were never been more obvious than that moment.

"Was it what you were trying to do the whole time, Cath? The guilt, you running away, trying to protect... me?"

For some reason, mostly his bruised ego, it never crossed his mind that Catherine stayed away from him for his own sake. She never got past the guilt after Billy died, and no matter what he said, she probably blamed herself for the fact that he was captured by the Talibans – not her. Of all people, Steve understood how guilt worked – it was like a monster, eating you up from inside.

In that moment, just one look into her eyes, their souls finally met.

"Are you sure you want to do this now? I don't think it's a good time. You should get some sleep first", Catherine interrupted him, pulling herself from his warm body, instantly feeling a bit lost at the lack of touch. The last thing she wanted to do was to add another burden on Steve. He had suffered enough in the last two days, she didn't really want them to start this conversation right now.

"Don't avoid me! Cath, look at me! Please!", he tried to convince her, tugged at her chin, half ordered, half begged her to look at him. His heart sank seeing the darkness and self-blame behind her eyes, "I don't want to wait any longer. We always put our job first, we keep postponing what needs to be said, and look where that has led us", his hands slightly squeezed her shoulder, "As long as I'm still Omar's target, there is a good chance that I'll be dead soon – maybe tonight, tomorrow, next week. The point is, I don't want to leave things undone, unsaid. So this is the perfect time to sort things out between us. Cath, talk to me. Please!"

"What do you want to talk about?"

"Whatever you have to say. Why did you stay in Afghanistan? Why did you come back and leave again? Why the CIA? Everything, Cath."

"Does any of that matter now, Steve?"

"The truth is, it doesn't really matter, not anymore", Steve was being honest, seeing the surprise on Catherine's face, he continued, "because I've just realized that no matter what you did, I can't shut off my feelings for you. A part of me died the day you left, I never thought that I would feel that way about a woman, but I did. I tried to move on, I tried to live in denial, I thought that I could live without you, but I was wrong. I turned to someone I didn't recognise, but every single time you reappeared in my life, I knew I could never stop loving you – even though I tried so hard to convince myself that things between us were over. So no, it doesn't matter, but I just want to know. I need to know. Were you trying to protect me?"

"Yes. I was trying to protect you, from me, and from CIA. It was never my choice to join the Agency."

Catherine finally gave in. Steve was right, both of them always put their jobs first, they were trained to think that way half their life. It shattered her to think that, yesterday, she almost lost him forever, but there he was, standing right in front of her. This was probably her last chance to fix what she thought they had lost.

She started pouring her heart out to Steve about all the emotions going through her mind five years ago when she stayed in Afghanistan, "I was stubborn, and stupid enough to let you tag along", she smiled softly, her eyes lighting up thinking about the day Steve showed up at the airport unannounced, even after their argument in his office earlier that day, "It was my plan all along, but you took the fall, you were captured, and I did nothing, Steve, nothing. I just stood there... and watched."

"No, that's not how I see it. You kept 11 kids alive – that was something. You called for help – without you, Joe wouldn't be able to send help in time, I wouldn't be here today. You evaluated the risk, one life vs 11 lives. An ex-Navy SEAL vs 11 kids who couldn't defend themselves. You did what you were trained to do. You continued the mission."

"A personal mission", Catherine uttered in tears, "No one ordered me to take that mission. I left the man I love for someone I barely know."

"Someone who saved your life", Steve reminded her. His eyes brimmed over with tears listening to her side of the story – the story that he insisted he was the only one who suffered the most part.

He was wrong. Big time.

"If I had to choose again, I would do the exact same thing. A million times. But it doesn't mean that I don't loathe myself for it. I failed Billy, and then I failed **you**. I watched the live stream the Taliban uploaded. Steve, you were almost **beheaded** ", she was doing her best to keep her voice strong. "I was the reason you were there. It should have been me", it was so painful to watch. The image of his bruised face on the small screen haunted her even now, in her nightmares. Her body trembled just thinking back about that day. She moved closer to Steve, trying desperately to seek his closeness, to remind her that it was all in the past, and he's safe now.

"Stop right there, Catherine. No, it was my choice, I volunteered to go on that mission with you. You didn't drag me, you didn't even ask for my help. It was all me."

"It was Joe's choice, and Cole's choice as well, but you couldn't help blaming yourself, could you?", Catherine pointed it out, "Steve, it's always easier said than done. It doesn't make it easier to accept it, right? It's always easier to blame ourselves", Steve realized their stories actually paralleled. He was going through the exact situation. She was right, they could never avoid the guilt.

"So I stayed, mostly because I needed to find Najib. But then when I actually found him, I couldn't go home. I was ashamed of myself, I couldn't face you, couldn't face your friends. I was afraid that you would hate me, Five-0 wouldn't accept me. I felt like I didn't deserve you", Catherine remembered the phone call they had after he woke up and flew back to Hawaii. He was still so battered, but was ready to fly back to fight her battle. She couldn't let him do that, she had to protect him from herself. No matter how much she tried to live in denial, she couldn't convince herself that it wasn't her fault that he was so close to the death.

"I know, Danny wasn't too happy about your decision, but whatever he had said to you, don't listen to him, don't take it to heart. I never judged you, or hated you, or blamed you. I did the same, with Freddie. I left him in North Korea, you know."

Steve realized he and Catherine were so much alike. No wonder Catherine could still easily read his mind, even after five years of being apart.

"Shush, come here", Steve pulled Cath into a tight embrace, feeling her whole body breaking down, trembling. She held onto him just as tight. He locked her in his strong arms, wanting nothing more than to shield her from all the guilt, kissing her forehead, whispering in her ears, "I never got to say this, but thank you, Cath, for trying to protect me, even though your leaving broke my heart."

"Can I say: "You owe me" now?", Catherine let out a small laugh, making Steve laugh. The sound of her laugh, even in the worst situation, managed to lighten up his world.

"So why the CIA?"

"Are you sure you're ready for the whole story? I really don't want to distract you."

"If I die tomorrow..."

"Steve, it really doesn't help when you keep saying that", Catherine snuck into his hug, wishing their bodies could crash into each other, becoming one, right here, right now, and they would never have to be apart.

"But it's the truth", he didn't want to sugarcoat the future, but his lips quietly found hers.

"I joined the CIA to protect you from Edward Cobb", Catherine whispered after pulling back from Steve's lips, looking right into his blue eyes.

It took Steve by complete surprise to hear the answer from Catherine. It took him several seconds to remember who Edward Cobb was. The name sounded familiar.

Catherine filled him in on the whole story, her head resting on his shoulder.

Steve was absolutely speechless after hearing Catherine's story.

"People have different ways to protect people they love. You don't have to like it, but... Not everything is black and white, I guess. Doris, Joe, even your dad, lied to you at some points, but they were all trying to protect you. So was I. I'm sorry that I hurt you, and lied to you, but I was ordered to, and it was never my choice. I didn't see any alternative way to get you out of that mess. You did kill someone very powerful, Steve. You don't just... walk away from something like that!"

"But I thought I was an adult, I deserve to be asked before you decided to take the responsibility to protect me."

"Did you even ask Five-0 before trying to protect them by leaving them behind right now? They won't like it, and they will be angry for a very long time, you are aware of that, right?"

"Good point", Steve realized that once again, their situation mirrored each other.

"Now I really feel like an idiot. Why did you sacrifice so much for me?"

"I love you!"

"Do you mean it?", Steve cast a look down at Catherine, grinning from ear to ear.

"Yes."

"Then say it again. Slowly", the past 48 hours was truly tragic, barely getting any sleep, suffering two knife wounds, losing one brother-in-arms and his second father, but Catherine was truly the light at the end of the tunnel. Having her in his arms, sorting things out with her, solving all misunderstanding between them, understanding her unconditionally love... gave him a hint of hope.

She was the compass of his life. His anchor.

"I love you", Catherine smiled, touching the sides of his face, enunciating each word clearly and slowly, treasuring the moment, "and you are worthy. Don't ever doubt that, Steve."

"Say it again. One more time."

"You are worthy."

"No, the other part."

"I love you, Steve", Catherine said genuinely, the honesty in her eyes and voice, the meaning of those three words made him whole again.

"I love you, too, Catherine. So much."

They lost themselves in each other's eyes. Their lips found each other again. Her sweet lips were the lips that he wanted to kiss for the rest of his life. He would never, ever let her get away again.

"So can you take a nap now? Please?"

"Just two hours", Steve bargained.

"Come here, lie down. How about three hours?", Catherine negotiated. She pulled Steve to lie down, guiding his head to rest on her thighs. Seeing him actually follow her, she bent down to gently kiss him on the cheek.

"Close your eyes. Get some rest now. I already made some calls. We will get to work tomorrow. We will find that bastard, together."

"Okay."

Catherine softly stroked his hair. After a while, she could feel cold tears on her thighs.

"Shush... shush... I know, I know... It's not okay, Steve, but we will sort this out. Joe wouldn't want you to dwell in the guilt. I'm here now, I won't leave your side this time, I promise."

She would protect him at all costs.

But this time, by staying by his side. _Fighting next to him_. Not by staying far away from him. _Fighting for him._

Nothing could get in way of that. She was done with the CIA. She had done enough for them.

"I love you, Catherine Rollins."

"I love you, too, Steve. Now sleep."

Catherine gently wiped the tears from the corner of Steve's eyes, and he finally opened his eyes again, pulling her down, lying next to him, "Can you lie down next to me? Don't stay up. You need some rest, too", he touched the bags under her eyes, kissing them tenderly.

There they were, lying next to each other, quietly listening to each other's breath.

"So were you dating?", Steve broke the silence, "Sorry, last question". Last time they met, when she came back for a mission with CIA, when she joined him in the bush, she casually said she was dating a little bit. Even at that time, he was with Lynn, Steve couldn't deny the hint of jealousy growing inside of him, but tried to push it away. If she was happy, he would **try** to be happy for her.

"That was the only lie that I voluntarily told you. I didn't want you to feel bad for me, or guilty that you moved on and I didn't, so I lied. To set you free. But there wasn't anyone. I was just working. Constantly working. Not even getting laid, I'm not as lucky as you."

"We will get to that", he put his left arm around her waist, his lips finding hers without opening his eyes.

"Sleep", Catherine ordered him.

"Okay."

"After all, tomorrow will be another day."

"Okay."

"Sleep well."

"And Cath?"

"Yes?"

"I'm so sorry. For everything."

"It's okay."

* * *

 _ **Thanks for reading! That's it for now! That's how I imagine the conversation would go. My Steve and Cath are probably not how you imagine Steve and Cath, sorry for that :) I guess because it's my story then.**_

 _ **You can read more about Catherine's explanation of why she left in chapter 16 of my other fiction called "Set you free". It could be viewed at**_

 ** _m. fan fic tion s/12222109/16/ (without any blank) - or from my Twitter page!_**

 _ **For now, it's the last day of 2018 in Australia, so HAPPY NEW YEAR! Wish you a wonderful new year coming up!**_


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